01/01/98
Happy New Year to all. I have often wondered what will happen when I do get pregnant. I mean I write this journal to help myself as well as others. But I am wondering how I will be perceived once I do become pregnant. I will no longer be one of us but one of them.
Will my readers think they no longer can identify with me? I know those feelings, in my prior entry I was very open about my feelings in finding out that Lynn was pregnant. What I didn't tell you is the next day another friend called and told me she was due in August. Wasn't to upset she doesn't live near by. I wouldn't have to see her everyday. The big one was on the 29th I was getting more blood tests to recheck my hormone level. The lab tech started talking about a mutual close friend that was expecting in July. I was stunned. They had been trying for a year, she is in her thirties. I couldn't believe she hadn't phoned and told me. Then again maybe the vibes I was giving out would have made it very clear I wanted nothing to do with pregnant women.
My sister was worried I would hide out and become a hermit. She said I needed to get on with things, these were people I would have to deal with eventually. The eternal optimist she said" You'll be pregnant soon and your child will be in school with their children. So just get on with it."
She was right, whether I liked it or not. And I did not like it. My mood swings were beginning to scare me. I was treating my husband badly. I felt like I couldn't control myself.
I though this is the worst PMS I have ever had.My back was always aching, my breasts hurt so bad I couldn't wear a bra. I was crying at the drop of the hat, on minute, the next wanting to yell at anyone that came near me.
So Dec 30 I couldn't sleep, my stomach was in knots, I keep looking at my chart well everything was normal, except my temp had dipped below the coverline three times. This definitely mean I am NOT pregnant. In the morning, my husband woke me up all smiles, its snowing. He was out the door. I opened my dresser drawer and pulled out two clear blue easy. I just starred at them. I have never taken a test before. I thought what am I doing, all signs indicate my period will arrive in the next day or two.
Well I was so nervous I doubt the test was in my urine stream for the allotted five seconds more like two. Before I even put the cap back on two lines appeared. I thought what?? I read the directions ten more times. This has to be wrong. I can't be pregnant.
I phoned my girlfriend and explained it too her. She laughed and said sounds like your pregnant to me. I was shaking I said I would take another test, I'd pee in a cup. She just laughed at me, told me to do what I had to do she'd call me later.
So I wait for two long agonizing hours. My husband is MIA, everyone keeps phoning the house looking for him. I was rather short with people, saying I'd like to know where he is too. Then my sister phones, I don't know what to say I can't tell her before my husband. She knew something was up. I couldn't get off the phone fast enough. Finally at 11:00am I took another test. In the cup this time, blue line again, not as dark.
So I am one of them now. What do you think? I haven't forgot all the heartache and sorrow. Maybe when I finally hold my child or the first kick. Right now the emotions are still very vivid. If I had one piece of advice I would say listen to your body. Meaning we did it for eight months the way the doctor said. Just relax it'll happen. I finally got the book "Taking charge of your fertility" realized I don't ovulate until at least day 20 every month. What do you know two months of charting and I have myself a baby. I listened to my instincts, I didn't disregard all the doctor said but felt the confidence in myself that I needed to do what I had to do.
I believe the second you conceive you become a Mother. So know I sit here thinking, what am I crazy I don't know how to be a mother. I must be out of my mind. I'm still stumbling along at trying to be a wife.
It is still so new, all the symptoms feel like my period is on its way. I am three weeks along, I know I conceived on Dec 18, regardless of what the doctor says.
I will continue to write. I thank you for all your support. It makes me wonder what women did before the Internet. What a horrible thought. May 1998 bring you all the joy and happiness in the world.
